Birth Stories

"Good evening, please sign these forms so you can be admitted." This is one of the things that will forever stick with me. I'm in labor, it's 11pm, this is our first child. My labor started very quickly, which rapidly became intense. In 5 hours, I was fully dilated. I arrived at the hospital and was asked to sign some paperwork. How can you make such a request to a woman in labor? My husband asked to sign for me. He was told that it was not possible! It was unbelievable as I had asked before being in labor if everything was in order. Clearly, they could have sold my soul to the devil, and I wouldn't have seen it.

I was taken to the delivery room, but I had no control over anything. I am in labor. I scream that I want the epidural. A team of 3 people burst into my room thinking that something was wrong. Because we are not used to hearing a woman giving birth. My midwife sent them away. I will understand later that she would want me to give birth without an epidural. But she respects my choice. I wish someone would have told me "you can do it, you are almost there". I'm 9cm when I get my epidural. My connection with my baby is broken, but I'm not in pain anymore so everything is fine (?). 1 hour later, I was told that I could start pushing. 1 hour after I started pushing, I was put on Pitocin because the contractions were too far apart. I don't understand as I am following the "classic" pattern of a birth, right? I don't know it yet, but I'm about to experience the longest 5 hours of my life. This is impossible in many countries; I would never have imagined pushing for 5 hours! The midwife comes and goes. We are 3 or 4 women to give birth that same day for only one midwife. My husband is great, but so naive in the end.

After 4h30, the midwife asks to perform an episiotomy. I refuse... We start talking about caesarean. It is out of the question. I give everything I have, and my baby comes out. Everyone is fine at this point. After all, if mom and baby are fine, that's the most important thing? God how naïve was I ... It was the postpartum that taught me a beautiful lesson. Because childbirth is much more than giving birth to a child. I understood this weeks later. Why no one had told me what it was really like to become a mother. How birth was a normal and natural process, a unique bond between her child and her mother? An experience that marks a mother for life, but also marks the lives of our children forever.

Several weeks after I gave birth, I began to question myself. Why did it happen this way? Why is it so hard for my body to recover (because of course, 5 hours of pushing leaves some scars)!

A few months after I gave birth, my neighbor had a home birth. She tells me about it. At first, I wonder why she took so many risks, why people are so stupid? Because since we give birth in a hospital, there are a lot less deaths, right? I start to question myself. I read, I listen, I watch ... OH MY GOD! How could I have been so naive? I quickly understand that, like many things, it is above all a question of money and power. A childbirth is not a medical act!

I am so angry at myself for having made my daughter go through this birth in total rupture with her needs. I blame myself for having made my body go through this. The answers was so accessible, but at the same time so buried under the societal pressure ...

Before I even got pregnant with my second, I had decided that I would have a home birth. I interviewed several homebirth midwives (because we have that luxury in Colorado). My midwives and I hit it off. One of my two midwives had seen over 4000 babies born, and very little counts that she has seen a birth transferred to the hospital. I feel confident, they are really paying attention to me, they advise me when I feel the need, and nothing is imposed on me. I decide to let my body do what it needs to do, I have confidence in us. Our second baby had no ultrasounds, I had no cervix checks, no glucose test. My follow-ups are very regular, my midwives are gentle. They take the time to listen to me. We also decided not to impose any vaccines or antibiotics to our newborn.

My husband is 100% with me, with us. For him too, it has become obvious. We are one in this experience.

The D-Day arrives ... I'm so tired of being pregnant that I am ecstatic when my labor starts. Like my first one, it goes fast ... in 4h30 I am ready to push. This time no one bothers me, no going back and forth to my room, no paperwork to sign. I am in front of my fireplace. The heat comforts me, the crackling of the wood channels me. My husband has become my moral and physical pillar. I try the pool we had installed but I am not comfortable. My midwives are upstairs, they listen, and wait. They let my body do its thing. At the beginning of labor, I had asked my husband to make me a list of jokes. Between contractions, I ask him to tell me a few. It's a moment full of love and laughter. Because the arrival of a child should not be stressful or anxious. When labor intensifies, I forget everything I've read, I'm completely high on hormones. I don't know where I am anymore, my husband reminds me to take a deep breath, because even that I forget. What intensity, what an experience. The phase of despair arrives, and the contractions seem to be continuous. And I end up saying "I feel like it is pushing", because it's the first time I have this feeling. My midwives want to be sure that I am fully dilated. I tell them it won't make any difference; IT'S PUSHING! I am not in control; my body is on autopilot. My brain doesn't push, my soul does. Naturally, I get down on all fours. My animal instinct has taken over. It's impressive how strong my body is. I feel my baby coming after 20 minutes of pushing. She is calm and comes directly to my breast. I am in my room, surrounded by the people I have decided to have. We wait for the placenta to be expelled so we can cut the cord. I keep it to have it encapsulated... My midwives prepare a bath with herbs for me and my baby. A magical moment. We are meeting each other. It is 6:30 am, I am clean, in my bed, my baby in my arms, it is time for her big sister who wakes up from her night, to discover her little sister. We are in our intimacy, for this unique moment. No visiting hours, no elevator noises, no nursing staff coming in and out every 3 hours, no "don't fall asleep with your baby put her back in the crib". My baby is snuggled up against me, we enjoy it.

We'll never know if it's just a personality thing, or because of my birth experiences, but my girls couldn't be more different. My first one had (and still has) a lot of sleep problems, she cried a lot, I cried a lot, it was complicated for the both of us. My second is a dream baby! Dream nights, a perfect eater, a calm temper! Her nickname baby "smile".

Now, when people tell me that I was brave to give birth at home, I tell them that they were brave to give birth in the hospital. At first, my relatives did not understand this choice of home birth. After going over many facts, they were astonished and understood my choice.

I have plans to go back to school to become a CPM. It has become an obsession; I have this gut desire to help parents and babies. Around me, I encourage people to educate themselves in a different way, to open this pandora box. And every time I talk about physiological childbirth, it is the same fear: PAIN! I don't understand, and at the same time, I remember what my thoughts were before my first birth. I encourage people to listen, read, educate themselves, about the most natural thing there is: childbirth!

Nora, Zoë & Zélie's stories